She Hurt Me Badly, It Brought Out The Best In Me

Have you ever been hurt before?

Either by a close friend or lover, whichever of them puts you in a position where you find yourself alone in a dark alley on earth.

It's good to pity me because it was the worst two weeks of my life and the first two weeks of 2018, however it brought out the best in me.

I picked up my phone to call her on Jan 1 to wish her happy new year. The phone rang three times but no response. It was actually strange but I felt that sometimes, one wouldn't be so close to his/her phone.

We've been friends for a few months and I already started to like her. Nothing so much about her though but that she was the best companion I ever had. I simply sent an SMS wishing her a happy new year with smiles all over my face. I never knew this was just the beginning of my sorrow for the year as well as two weeks of unproductivity.

I already drafted out my plans for 2018 with each mission for every month written out in details. I needed someone to tell my plans, I needed someone to share the whole excitement with but she was offline. I had checked her Whatsapp a million times.

I was freaking out.

She came online by 10pm, I was sleepy, had a bad day but got myself alert. Enough excitement to type on the keypad and share my 2018 plans with. Unfortunately, she went offline few minutes later.

Well, I still felt all was fine and slept over it to wake up as early as 5 am to write my first blog post for 2018. I was pretty equipped for 2018.

If you've ever woken up with a feeling that you would write over 20,000 words in a single blog post. That was how I felt knowing I had prepared for 2018 and I was up to the task.

Grabbing my phone to draft it on my jotterapp mobile app, the tricky little thought of the fact that I was being avoided found it’s way down to my mind and sat there.

Oh my God!! Was I being avoided, what offence have I committed. Have I revealed too many imperfections?

I lost inspiration, I couldn't concentrate, sweats gushed through my body. Checked whatsap to see if she was online, she wasn't.

Turned off the phone, went back to sleep. Skipped breakfast.

The day was going, I knew I had to write but I wasn't just concentrating. Brought out my jotter and pen, wrote the first line, then the second, that was all.

I knew I needed to do something quickly because I was loosing it, called her number when it was in the evening twice, she didn't pick up.

This was my second day in 2018, I didn't achieve my plans on Jan 1, Jan 2 was already strolling away. My goal for January had to be replanned because I had wasted two days which would affect the output.

She came online that same evening only to tell me she had been busy all day.

Being an outcast wasn't a strange word to describe my state. I had no other close friend, created a distant from others when I met her. She had every company I needed so I felt having too many folks around would choke our communication. I really liked her, my emotions was already hindering my productivity.

Instead of brainstorming the third day, I spent it thinking right from 5 am when I wake up every day to write. No blog post yet in 2018, the thought of failing crept into my mind too. I wouldn't succeed if I didn't take writing serious I just knew it but nothing else is on my mind than the feeling of rejection.

I lost appetite, and was also loosing my mind.

Finally, we got to speak on phone on the 4th but she sounded like she was in a hurry, like I was bugging her.

It's safer to have an impression that you're being avoided, it's worse to be told to the face so I preferred my assumption to asking her if she really was avoiding me.

My dream of becoming a good writer in 2018 was already dwindling, it looked like my success all depended on her, my achievements. I didn’t know I had subconsciously placed all my trust and dreams in her. We were just friends but I liked her beyond friendship. I found perfection in her. I was in love with her.

I was always on whatsapp checking if she was online, we had few chats. I didn't bother calling because I knew it would be another worse feeling to call and be rejected.

My emotions was controlling me, I had given up on January, I would have to re-strategize for February and double up.

This was not the person I knew a few months ago, I needed to act fast. I was losing my dream.

I increased my daily read on Medium from ten blog posts to twenty. My passion for medium ignited. It was the only escape route.

I already developed brain fog due to lack of eating and sleeping and too much thinking.

This two weeks, I read more blog posts than I ever read in six months in 2017, I was learning a lot but couldn't put a word to paper.

From learning, I had several Aha moments, restructured my plans, began to work towards implementing them.

This wasn't how I planned 2018 but it was turning out fine, the feeling of rejection was still there but I was learning to take control of my hurts and pain, I was learning to be a master of my emotions.

I believe every writer needs to know this. Emotions can either halt your dream or be a good tool to push forward.

Medium gave me comfort and I stumbled upon awesome articles on how to master my emotions.

I never knew that anger, hurt and pain were important ingredients in writing.

As a writer, you don't need a writing routine, I just got to discover that. There is no perfect time for writing but a perfect condition.

How do you get those words out?

How do you connect your wandering mind with your pen?

Well, it's simple just write!!!

Well, it sounds too simple right?

It is actually, you've got that emotion, that perfect anger for that politician, it's blocking your mind. The only way you can do that is just write.

Start with a word, then a sentence, then a paragraph. I didnt brainstorm on what I just wrote. All I needed was the pain I felt back then and my pen. I simply connected my pain to my pen and kept pouring out every thought that came.

The thoughts would come strongly with the temptation to drop the pen and brood. The more it came, the more I wrote.

The first two weeks were the worst weeks in my life in the whole of my emotional relationship and it cost me a lot. It pushed me harder, it pushed me to become a master of myself.

We’re back together and I misconstrued her busyness for avoidance. But it was really worth it.

I still deeply love her, I would keep falling in love with her everyday and hope things may turn out well someday.

However, I have learnt how to channel my emotions into my pen. I have become a master to my thoughts.

She hurt me badly, it brought out the best in me!!!